For me, the dating scene has been filled with the excessive use of dating apps like Tinder, SoulSwipe, Plenty of Fish, etc. The constant routine of swiping right and finding a match has been my approach to dating for the last few months and I must admit that the process of “trial and error” when it comes to finding “the one” is truly exhausting.
It’s not that I can’t seem to find a man because trust me, they’re out here alive and well, but the issue is finding someone who values the meaning of a committed relationship, and at the age of 24, I am finding that most people of this generation are delusional about what it means to be committed.
Dr. Gina Barreca professor of English literature and feminist theory at the University of Connecticut suggest that “commitment” is one of those gender-specific terms that gets itself all tangled up by individual definition even when those using the term believe the meaning is clear.
In short, Barreca concludes that even when you sit down with your partner to discuss the pressing factors of your relationship, the commitment piece somehow gets defined separately, and both parties leave the conversation not fully understanding what they are willing to give when dating someone.
For many of us still in search of that commitment factor, dating has since become a revolving door filled with unsuitable mates. Whether you are looking for someone with a similar interest or professional career aspirations, you now find yourself in the pool of what I like to call “relationship woes”.
But what if the man of your dreams is right in front of your face? But he was just “too nice” to be noticed?
The saying rings true “good guys always finish last” and for many African-American men who were raised to respect and protect women, they often experience the cold shoulder from sistahs who would much rather go for the “bad boy” at the bar, but why is that?
Let’s take Jamaal for example, He hasn’t called you in a week, and the longest 20 minutes of your life was spent waiting for a text that you’ll never receive. He bailed on you twice for drinks and a movie, two Saturdays ago, and you’re thinking, let’s give him another chance.
Jamaal’s built with a connecting full beard to match. He says all the right things. Although your eyes naggingly roll with every smooth line he throws at you, you still eat it up regardless of his endless excuses. He’s all wrong for you, but you convince yourself otherwise.
But did you notice Andre called you twice today, and you ghosted both calls? Did you realize that your phone fills up with captivating text messages from him, on a regular basis at that! Don’t forget about the flowers that he sent to your job after you told him about your horrible day last week. Yeah, that guy. Oh, that’s right; he was never much of an option from the jump.
In the world of black dating, men like Andre don’t stand a chance. The truth is, nice guys, don’t offer women a challenge. They are boring, agreeable and easily attained. Black women barely break a sweat with them, and we always know that they will be around, time and time again. Men like Andre do not offer women the chase.
Now, of course, being a good guy isn’t restricted to race, white guys get overlooked every day, but this platform is not for them. I’m talking to the beautiful black men of the universe who continue to struggle with getting the girl because ever Jamaal, Khalif, and Chris overshadow their efforts.
Defining the Good Guy
While the good guy is an agreeable person, he’s got no control over his life. He allows women to come into his circle, agrees with them on everything in hopes that these women will like him for being so agreeable. It’s so important for women to like the good guy, so he agrees with you all the time. Now, this isn’t to say that Mr. Agreeable is not well put together. Trust me, he can hold his own in a room full of prospects, but something is missing from his all around good guy qualities.
Being so agreeable tells a woman that you do not have enough self-respect to stand up for your own thoughts, values, and opinions. You don’t think enough of yourself to own your identity, so you become accommodating, inoffensive and to sum it up just plain ole boring. When you’re attracted to a woman, you do everything you can to please her. She’s got the flu? You’ll bring her medicine. She tells you that she can’t see you this weekend, you’ll say, “that’s fine. We’ll get together whenever you’re ready.” You are a man without a plan. You’re wishy-washy on everything you do together. You don’t know what you want to do. Remember, you’ve always been Mr. Agreeable.
Now in defense of the men and women who are reading this and are like “wtf is this chick talking about”, just think about it.
Ladies, have you ever found yourself on a date with the good guy and you all did everything that you wanted to do? You talked about yourself the entire night and he barely had anything to contribute to the conversation? Everything was all about you. Sounds like an awesome date right? WRONG! Who the hell wants to go out with someone who can’t take control, initiative, and effectively communicate their thoughts?
Fellas, how many of you’ve found yourself in the good guy category, wanting to cater to a woman’s every need? Committing yourself without understanding her fully. You don’t mind begin there for her, doing nice things, and accommodating her life, but who’s accommodating yours? Who’s committing to you?
So what do women really want?
Contrary to popular belief, Women don’t want power over a guy who has no control over his life. What women really want is a MAN. A leader, a great guy who will lead them to success both spiritually and mentally. A man who, when he dates, takes them places that they’ve never been and takes care of things his way, not hers. Someone who stands up for who he is and will debate her on topics if he doesn’t agree with her point of view. A man who can commit based on his needs and satisfactions in a relationship.
Good guys have this fear that they can’t get the woman they truly want, so they take whatever they can get. In many instances, this should not be the approach to dating, and a woman knows that from there on once a man settles, she basically has full control of the courtship.
Good Guys finish Last, but Great Men take First place
As a black man, if you’re genuinely a good person, that’s great, there’s nothing wrong with treating women how you would want someone to treat your momma. Heck, there should be more men like you out there, but what you really want to be is a great guy all around!
You want to be a man who treats women well and also stands up to his own values. You want to be a man who stands on his own two feet and isn’t afraid to stand up to a woman just because he’s attracted to her. You want to be a man who leads, a man who decides if he wants to pursue the relationship or not, not a good guy who tries to conform every which way and puts himself in the Mr. agreeable, committing to every damn thing role.
To get there, you first have to be willing to live your life in a way that you truly want and not give it up just to make your girl happy. You have to know that you are a great, interesting man to date and that you can get the women you want regardless of what Jamaal and “them” are doing.
So continue being the good guy, don’t switch up and play mind games just because you aren’t getting what you want from a woman. But remember to take control of the relationship, while staying true to your principles. as Dr. Barreca would say, “commitment is a two-way street”.
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Reblogged this on Forever Black Effusion and commented:
Boom, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m a guy and I’m constantly telling guys this. In my opinion women want a man, who knows how to please himself, knows who he is as a man and isn’t afraid to take charge of a situation. The problem is, nice guys are reading and listening too much to what women say they want, which is always a nice guy. I used to do the same
,but then I realised. It’s important to not just listen to what people say but also to watch their actions
You have some good points but you’re equating good guy with a pushover.
In some cases, the good guy can be a push over. That’s one reason why he may not get what he desires in a relationship, I see how this point can be debated either way.
Amirah…… Well written I must say. This is such a hot button topic in our community, and given our closeness in age ( I’m 27) I found this extremely relatable . First I’d like to acknowledge that I’ve probably been a overly nice guy , aka a pushover, in more than a few instances. Thinking thats what all women want and deserve; boy was I wrong. As Ive become more secure in myself, and accepting that Im a naturally caring person, I understand that I dont have to overdo anything in that caring ballpark . If the woman doesnt like me for me , that situation isnt for me anyway. My looming questions for you , and so many other women ,is how important is control and how keen are your radars for pushovers? To address the second question first , I feel conformity can often be confused with assessment . Meaning that when I’m getting to know someone , especially in the early stages , some things I may have strong opinions on, some things Im indifferent to , and some things I may agree on your views with. None of these outlooks stem from a pushover tree, I believe new positive perspectives and new positive female energy around you can have that affect; you should be allowed to slowly take all this in. Lastly in regards to control, it seems as though the “nice guy” loses out because of his inability to finesse the control/care/confidence narrative; understandably so if that nice guy is truly a pushover. However what about that bad boy’s control trumps the sometimes refined control of “nicer” guys? The elephant in the room about our dating era Amirah is that things happen very quickly. Prior to date one many of us text to screen each other, by the end of date one we may have already decided ” hard no” or “gray yes/maybe”. So how keen is your gage on control in such a short amount of time and how important is it for you to feel like your being treated how you want to be treated? Most things that are fruitful take time ( I think that still lasts lol) so if the initial rush of a true alpha male gracing your presence is a drug of choice how will a true great all around guy even grasp your attention? I think there are plenty great “all around men” in this world for our women to choose from , however does the packaging match your expectations? As I stated at the beginning of my post I’ve felt like a pushover in several points of dating. Im now beginning to see that much weight falls on the eyes of the beautiful woman sitting across from me . I can only be myself , no longer a pushover, but someone who is attentive , informed, tastefully opinionated , and battle tested in life. Its most important for me to state that I cannot show this all to you in one date or two, I shouldnt have to, and I dont want to be apologetic about any of the listed traits above.
I really enjoyed your article, this conversation definitely needs to be spoken on continually. Check out some of my work on my page as well. Thanks Amirah.
Thank you for reading (I wish I knew your name)! To answer your question about control and this new dating era, I believe that the point you made about everything moving so fast directly correlates to why some men may lose control of the courtship in the beginning. I think the main issue with dating in today’s time is that people do not truly take the time to get to know each other. It’s like a race that everyone is trying to win the “happily ever after” storyline and some things just can’t be rushed especially when it comes to matters of the heart. For me, I can pinpoint who I can get over on or not depending on how they perceive themselves to me. Sucks to admit that but from my experiences, I have in fact dealt with the nice guys who gave me everything I wanted materialistically expect the chase of actually wanting them back. In regards to confidence between both the good guy and the bad, I believe that both can possess the confidence to endear women, but the good guy sometimes lacks that “take control of life” appeal that so many people crave to have and for women, to have a man that has both aspects is what truly makes out for a lasting relationship of course considering other factors (communication, compromise, compassion, etc.)
Well said. A woman’s perspective is very valuable to me . I thank you for the reply.
This was very interesting because I feel like a lot of women won’t date a “good guy” because they have in their minds what you wrote. It’s always important to distinguish a guy/boy from a man. Personally, I’ve always had the “good guy” that would lay out their expectations and be like “I won’t kiss ya ass, but I won’t treat you like crap either.” And up until recently I was the wishy washy one because I didn’t know how to accept a man who was sure of himself & knew what he wanted. I think that might be the real fear of dating a good guy; we’re so used to dealing with trash or being in situationships that us females clamp up when someone actually wants to be good to us without stipulations.
I never fully understood what girls meant when they said they didnt like ‘nice guys’ but this clears this up.
As others have said this is clearly the definition of a push over; cant speak up for themselves, agrees with everything you say or do etc. However one example i was confused about that you mentioned was, ‘When you’re attracted to a woman, you do everything you can to please her. She’s got the flu? You’ll bring her medicine. She tells you that she can’t see you this weekend, you’ll say, “that’s fine. ‘ to me this just sounds like someone who cares about you and want to make sure youre looked after. If you’re sick wouldnt you want him to be there for you? If you cant make it somewhere one day, is he supposed to throw a tantrum and demand your time? I just think people should learn to differentiate being someone who can be walked over and a genuinely kind person.
I agree, Ewura, there is a difference between being a kind person and a pushover. For nice guys, the key is to still display that niceness and compassion but to be firm enough and setting boundaries for yourself when it comes to dating and pursuing women.