A Lifestyle Blog for the Soul
In hopes of generating the element of surprise along with inspirational content, I've decided to create a series of material…
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Read MoreToday’s featured artist has a sound that speaks for itself. Hailing from the streets of Philadelphia with an ambitious spirit to match, Ca$hmere is making his way through music by staying true to his lyrics and being humble throughout each learning experience.
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Read MoreThis year has been one of transformation, change, heightened confidence and the pursuit of finding my own happiness, but it’s not over quite yet.
Read MoreQ: What does loyalty in a relationship deserve?
Giving more of myself than what I expect of others, is something that I struggle with when forming or sustaining existing relationships, but it has also been a really helpful indicator when accessing my wants and needs when dealing with others.
In the past, I’ve shown an alarming lack of loyalty to myself while at the same time continuing to engage with certain people out of what I believed was a display of my undying loyalty and devotion. Of course this type of double-edged allegiance where you effectively keep throwing yourself into fire for someone who isn’t even on the same proverbial life path as you or someone who will never throw themselves back into that same fire because they don’t acknowledge, respect, or even desire that same loyalty and devotion, is exactly how I ended up feeling deeply compromised and rejected throughout many relationships in my life.
So what exactly does loyalty deserve? Being as though this a very vague question, Simply put, it depends on the person.
Like any relationship whether it be romantic or otherwise. you need to create a set line of boundaries for yourself that will not be compromised on the behalf of someone else. Unlike deal breaks, boundaries consist of rules or guidelines that teach a person how to treat you in any given circumstance. Once you establish what those boundaries are and what you will not allow, then you can start re-accessing what the word loyalty means for you.
Too many times we mistake being willing to compromise the essence of who we are and even our willingness to endanger our emotional, mental, and physical well-being, for the sake of loyalty and devotion, but in all actuality loyalty is a two-way street.
For me, loyalty is not an action, but a sense of where two people consistently communicate and demonstrate strong feelings of support, acknowledgment, care, trust, and respect on both sides. In essence, loyalty is giving out what we want to get back in others. However, the trouble is, we often confuse what loyalty is for servitude.
There have been countless times where I foolishly have mistaken servitude for loyalty. Thinking that by answering every phone call, not entertaining other suitors, being a listening ear, staying home, being a “good woman” (whatever that may mean) when those things were not given back to me was my definition of loyalty.
Looking back, I was a fool.
As defined by Merriam-webster, servitude is: “the state of being a slave or completely subject to someone more powerful.”Last time I checked, slavery is over subjectively but many people continue to display acts of servitude as a replacement for loyalty. We see it all the time with the memes on social media. In today’s new-age of dating people believe that if you are not accessible to them 100% of the time than you are being disloyal.
It’s difficult to answer this question only because I’m not sure of the circumstances in which this question may arise. For many people, their definition of what loyalty is varies based on the dynamics of their relationships which leads me to ask “what does loyalty mean to you?”. Once you answer this question for yourself, then you can continue to evaluate what you deserve in your relationship based on your actions.
In my opinion, I believe that I deserve exactly what I am pouring into others. The types of relationships I form (professional, platonic, romantic) are all built on communication, time, consistency and effort. Without these core characteristics, these relationships would not last very long (for me).
Q: Looking back on all the highs and lows of growing up. If you had the chance to rewrite history, to either avoid making things more challenging for the present you, what would you tell your 15-year-old self about the following;
Ah man, when I was 15, I thought that I knew so much more than my peers and older siblings. The amount of trouble that I would get into from boys, friends, school antics amongst others is what led me into experiencing what I now like to call my life.
Nonetheless, each lesson taught me that mistakes are what makes us all human and that we cannot run away from our past, even when we thought those mistakes were swept under the rug.
Looking back, I can honestly say that I was more curious about the physical act of having intercourse and what it would feel like more than the emotional and mental aftermath of. Growing up, the “birds” and the “bees” were never discussed openly due to a number of things. 1.) My mother wasn’t too keen on discussing “grown folk” business in front of children and 2.) It was too many of us running around the house for my mom to actually have a minute to have “the talk” before puberty hit.
All and all, everything I knew or thought I knew about sex came through repeated trial and error.
As a young girl, nothing properly prepares you for the emotional or mental rejection that you feel when having sex for the first time. Everything you see in romance movies is a damn lie, and nine times out of ten the person in which you are losing your virginity too is either as clueless as you are or in my case was too damn old to be having sex with you in the first place.
The part that many sexualized publications leave out when appealing to sex and young people is the emptiness that you may begin to feel if exposed to it at an early age. For me, the connection of emotion and sex never “clicked” because I never quite understood the importance of emotional intimacy and how to translate that into a mental space. The two are very much important when trying to build and maintain romantic relationships.
If I can go back in time, I would have waited…
I started working at the age of 15 so this question is perfect! Back then I use to do my family members (sisters, aunts, cousins, etc) hair way before bundles was a thing and I would get anywhere between $30-$60 a head. I would then take that money and get my nails done and partake in ratchet activities with my friends. I did not know a thing about saving money, but I always knew how to make it.
By 17, my dad helped me open my first bank account and since then, he’s been teaching me about money ever since. One of the many things that pushed me into becoming literate in finances was the lack of responsibility that my family had with money. Bills were always getting paid late, necessities were being shut off, and I’ve always known that I did not want to live that struggling lifestyle for my entire life.
During my sophomore year of college, I became obsessed with my credit or lack thereof. Prior to enrolling, I took a course in financial stability and that’s where my knowledge of currency and income flourished.
I now think of credit as an invisible shield. We may not be able to physically see it with our own two eyes or physically touch it, but credit is there and if it is not properly protected or crafted (building a positive score) then when the time comes to use it, you won’t be properly protected (buying a home, care, starting a business, etc.) The same holds true for a savings account.
Many people believe that starting a savings account is pointless if you do not have a surplus of income being generated. THIS IS FALSE! If I could go back in time, I would tell my 15-year-old self to start off by saving in small increments ($5-$10/week) and to NEVER touch those savings unless of an emergency.
Getting a new weave does not count as an emergency…
Growing up I use to be a tremendous follower! You know the saying “if such and such jumped off a roof would you do it too?” my answer “you damn right!” especially if that person was my older brother Tranere. Even though he was a male, I wanted to be just like him! I’m proud to say that I carry on some of his traits. Anyways, I was down for whatever wave was going on at the moment, but all that changed once Tranere passed away.
I wanted to be free…
The thing about following after other people is that you are always searching for someone else’s approval. Always looking for an answer that you can’t find within yourself because you don’t know who the f*ck you are! My search for finding myself came shortly after his death. I no longer wanted to listen to my parents, I quickly withdrew from my group of friends during that time and I took on life as “experience will be my teacher” mantra, I was 14…
Ten years later and being the first person in my family to graduate college I am here to say that being a leader is lonely af! Having confidence at such a young age was lonely af! My thought process back then is what led me into doing all of the things that I am doing now, what I will continue to do for years to come.
It’s funny because I always described my upbringing as coming from a herd or litter of family so I think it’s ironic that you used this word when asking the question.
One thing I’ve learned about being a leader is that you lose your identity when you are confined in a herd or large group of people. For the longest time, all I knew was what my parent’s wanted me to know. It wasn’t until that pivotal moment of losing my unwaveringly brave, confident, stubborn, brother that I wanted to live my life for myself and pave my own way.
May his soul continue to rest in peace…
If you’ve read my last blog “12 Things I’ve Learned as a First-Generation College Graduate”, then you know my journey of educational discovery came with a list full of self-preservational tactics and an array of trial and error experiences to match. Needless to say, my five-year kit came with no guide on how to stay afloat. Everything I know about college life came as the years went by, but I wouldn’t have had it any other the way.
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